Unrequited

Will Champagne ever love me back?

In every situation where a drink is offered, I want a glass of sparkling wine. It’s becoming an issue.

I’m a pints girl — always have been. But lately I’ve fallen hard for the fizz in a way that’s both unreasonable and unsuitable. My local pub does Prosecco in tiny, single-serve bottles. It tastes awful. I know better, especially since their cask beer is so good. Even so, over Christmas, I sat with my uncharacteristic flute of prosecco, warm from the dishwasher, and wondered to myself, “what am I playing at?” It certainly wasn’t the experience I wanted, and yet I’d insisted on it anyway, hoping, perhaps, that at the last minute I’d sniff freeze-dried strawberries and brioche in my glass.

I’m desperate all the time for the thrill of a great glass of Champagne, the light-hearted giggle of the bottle as it pours. Fizzy wines remind me of fun evenings in the golden hour sun, the “shall we just get a bottle?” afternoons when nobody can decide what to choose from the menu. They remind me of sharing, and laughing, and having no plans. Bubbles are fun and frivolous to me — never a status symbol, because I never buy the bottles worth Instagramming. If I was going to spend brand-money on bubbles, I’d choose grower Champagne recommended by the person in the shop. Spend that advertising cut on juicy grapes, pop it right in the worn Carhartt pocket of the maker. But I’m in the business of being totally honest with you, and in the spirit of that, I’ll be real with you: I very rarely have the cash to buy real Champagne. Perhaps this is why it sparkles so in my peripheral vision, I want it because I can’t have it — annoying because this is the marketing doing its job. I’m not avoiding it because I have morals, I’m unable to enter its intimidating circle because my credit card gets used for food shops rather than trips to the Maldives.

You know what really sucks about this set-up? I really enjoy Champagne, and during my WSET qulifications, I found I was really good at tasting sparkling wine, finding flavours and aromas among the carbonation, and learning that there was something incredibly fascinating to me about how simple grape juice could create such magic in my glass. Ever since I was given a taste of vintage Pol Roger blanc de noir I have been searching for that berry-strewn dreamscape. Ever since I blind tasted sparkling wines in a conference room in some faceless hotel I knew that this was the style of wine that had me in a headlock. I love Champagne, but she doesn’t even know I exist.

The lovely woman in The Gulp’s header image is taken from a 19th century German oil painting called “Maid Secretly Drinking Champers” (possibly not its original name). She has cleared away the glasses from her Lady’s table, and in the hallway, hidden from view, she downs the last remaining dregs of the bubbles. Her head is tipped right back to catch every drop, her cheeks flush with excitement, knowing she is tasting something out of her reach — and yet is literally in her grasp regularly. I couldn’t think of a more appropriate image for this newsletter.

The Gulp’s patron saint of riddling, dosage, and carbon dioxide

Other Stuff

• If you want to chill the fuck out to frosty electronic music that sounds like a snowy forest sighing during a downbeat Royksopp set, Jan Blomqvist’s 2018 album Disconnected is what you need.

• There was news this week that the Tour de France may include some cobbled Montmartre streets in its route this year. If you’re planning to run a wine-based coach trip to go see the final stage on the gorgeous hill of Sacre-Coeur, please do let me know.

• Found myself re-reading this piece I wrote in 2018 (??? surely not???) about my visit to Rudi Trossen’s vineyards.

• Rooster’s Brewery is one of the most important breweries in the country, and you probably don’t even remember the last time you drank one of their beers, do you? Read this, and then seek out your nearest pint of Baby Faced Assassin.

• I'm a huge fan of the motorcycle journalist FortNine and his writing — he's hilarious, informative, and I learn tons, especially when he gets the blackboard physics lessons out. His latest is just stupidly good.

• Rachel Hendry, on learning, growing, rejection, wine, and life.

My Stuff

• I returned to the gym with a vengeance last week with a few fitness goals in mind. The north east summits challenge on the Isle of Man is one of them, I’m going to do it in March.

• I’ve written a zine for Pellicle and the illustrations are almost ready. Expect a pre-order date soon.

• I’ve been asked to edit another book, a memoir, which I’m super jazzed about.