What your beer-loving loved ones really want
A gift guide.
The real ale selection boxes and Punk IPA six packs sold in Tesco are now memes. It’s not that we’re not grateful, it’s just that we don’t want them, and we don’t want you to waste your money on them.
Beer people are as fussy about their beer as wine people are about wine — we hoard our favourites and never drink them, and we complain about the less-good beers we end up drinking instead. We are as picky about the beer we drink as toddlers are about which piece of peanut butter toast they will actually eat (the one on the floor, only.)
It’s not always just about hipster hype. There are often genuine reasons why your beer-loving loved one doesn’t want a certain brewery in their house, and if you're not a beer person, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t know why. Commendable, even. God, how my life would be if I didn’t have to know any of this stuff. Here are a few short and to-the-point examples of what I mean:
Brewdog have a widely-reported history of staff harassment, ecocide, and unsafe working conditions.
Mikkeller, who also have beers in some supermarkets, admitted to sexual harassment.
Bottled beers you’ll find in selection packs are nearly always owned by big multinational beer companies — and they’re just not very good. Some object for the first reason, others the second.
So what does this leave you with? It sounds like an impossible job, buying presents for ungrateful bastard beer people, and honestly, it’d be understandable if you didn’t bother. However, if you’re still dead-set on making your favourite beer lover happy, here are some bolt-from-the-blue ideas you’ve still got time to work on before Christmas comes.
This Bacon Fries Bag
Every beer drinker loves pubs, and every pub-going beer drinker loves Bacon Fries. This Bacon Fries bag made by Ross at Pints of Cask will make your beloved beer nerd the belle of the boozer.
Orval
Literally everyone believes Orval is the pinnacle of beer. Make things easy for yourself and go to your nearest beer shop and buy six of them. Job done.
Classic 90s Bud Weis Er Tee
Shit beer but excellent frog-based advert. Sometimes the drip outweighs the morals.
Guinness Merch that Doesn’t Suck
UN:IK and Guinness have a range of merch designed by the UN:IK team in Manchester and it’s all pretty good. Don’t buy anyone a Guinness glass gift set — they absolutely have at least one already thanks to drunk glassware theft.
Their hats in particular make a great present because they aren’t too pricey, and all beer people like wearing little fisherman hats.
Put Money Behind Their Favourite Bar
Genuinely, genuinely do this if you’re feeling generous. Instead of getting a gift card for an online beer company or buying them a crate of something they might not like, go to their favourite pub or bar and put some money on tick for them.
Not only will the bar absolutely love you for giving them a little cash boost at an important time of year, your mate will love you because they can go in and get pints whenever they want for free until the money runs out.
From personal experience as a bar owner, this also encourages people to try things they wouldn’t normally buy, which is also a brilliant thing.
Tennent’s Socks
Yeah, beer people like Tennent’s. You can try to understand it if you want — I know you think it’s “just a lager” (whatever that means) but to us it’s a symbol of joy.
These socks are great and your friend will be chuffed with them.
Timothy Taylor’s Cycling Jersey
If your loved one is a cask beer fan, they’re going to enjoy a pint of Timothy Taylor’s. There’s also a good chance they've got an expensive and time-consuming cycling addiction.
Help them look their best when they’re out at a local club ride with a Timmy T’s cycling jersey. It’ll even look good in the pub afterwards when they’re… rehydrating.
Brewery-Branded Running Gear
Speaking of expensive and time-consuming hobbies, there have been many, many recent instances of beer fans being overcome by the need to run — either in groups around industrial estates, at Parkrun, or up and down hills in the rain.
Because of this phenomenon, it’s likely that your favourites’ favourite local brewery has a running shirt or cap in their merch Ikea bag somewhere in the office. Your best bets are the trendy ones who run their own running clubs.
One of my favourites is this “Run Like Helles” shirt by Cornwall-based Firebrand Brewing.
Smoked Salt
I’m not kidding, whenever somebody gets me posh kitchen stuff like oil or salt I’m over the moon.
If you have a smoked beer lover in your life, it’s highly likely they’ve already got a cellar and under-the-stairs cupboard and various kitchen cabinets full of beer. They know what they like, and they collect it. They don’t need any more.
Enable them to make EVERYTHING taste like smoke with some super high quality smoked salt. Tubby Tom’s use smoking woods like mesquite and pecan to give their sea salt varying characters. Trust me, this is the right sort of nerdy.
A Pellicle Subscription
Hell yeah, you know I’m gonna bring up my magazine in this roundup.
Patreon offers gift subscriptions now. Get your beer-loving friend a subscription to Pellicle and they’ll become a supporter of independent beer writing — and they’ll also have access to our supporters-only messageboard, be able to join the Pellicle fantasy football league, and gain other perks too (did somebody say a zine was coming in the new year?)